Apology [Kris]

[Shaehern Azhrarn]

Shaehern's mood felt a little sour today. Looking back on events that had gone by he noted that regret carried its own unbearable flavor in his life. For humans it could be said that life was too short to spend time worrying about regrets. For a boogie, it was quite a different scenario; life was too long to avoid regrets. You either could learn to move past them and leave them behind, or dwell on them.

Shaehern was never really someone to dwell on the past. He much preferred living in the present without regrets. Eventually, such things might catch up with him, however. He remembered years spent in his childhood hoping for his parents to receive their own comeuppance. The miserable reality was that it never happened.

He poked his head into the music room. Shaehern had a habit of being able to find the person for whom he was searching. Kristopher Roberts was mobile now, which meant that maybe his delightful blond twin wouldn't be glued to his side anymore. Then again, there was a certain delectable nature to such interactions, but that was a thought for another time. Maybe a secret to toss at Naelona at some point should she prod at him too much for his comfort.

"Kristopher?" he said in a voice that was not nearly as sing-songish as he'd like. No, there really wasn't any musical tone in his voice at all. It was rather plain. "I know you're here, boy."

And it is time to assess the damage.

[Kristopher Roberts]

Yes, Kristopher Roberts was finally mobile, to a certain degree anyways. He couldn't move very far or very fast still, but now he was dependent on a crutch, his right arm still healing but now in splint rather then a full blown cast. He could almost move his fingers now.

The blond was able to pull away from the hospital at last and move about the way he wanted, with restrictions. Meaning, Zeke or someone would always come and check on him until he was fully recovered. He was fine with that, it didn't bother him much. But the blond now wondered into the Music Lounge.

He wasn't sure why he went here, maybe he was hoping to find Augusta here. His boyfriend used to live in this room a lot, but he was no where to be seen and that caused a pain to rush through his heart. The blond sighed, his legs took him to a near by sofa, behind the piano and he sat there.

It was at this time Shaehern stepped into the very same lounge, calling for the blond. Kristopher's heart was sinking even more now that Shaehern was here. He really didn't want to play this boogies games, even if his voice sounded...so plain.

"I'm here." His voice came out softly, slightly broken with stress and pain on so many levels. "What do you want with me now, Master Azhrarn?" The blond lowered his head into the plam of his working hand, crutch resting near by.

"If you have come to riffle what little feathers I have left, I beg you to find another human to torment this evening." Kristopher was tired, lost, and now unsure what to do. He hadn't seen Augusta since the hospital, his brother was unknown to him, and he had no idea where he stood anymore in life. The only individuals to keep him together was Zeke and Naelona, and only they could go so far with him.

[Shaehern Azhrarn]

What few feathers the boy had, indeed. It appeared that the world had nearly plucked him clean if this was the way things were starting off. It was a matter that went back to their last conversation before the boy's disappearance--it was better to surround yourself with people who would ruffle your feathers than those who would pluck them.

If only Shaehern had put it so eloquently back then, the boy might have actually listened. So far as Kristopher might be concerned now, Shaehern was his doomsayer. He had delivered a warning that there were those who were against the boy, most of the world surrounding him, in fact, and then he went missing a few days later.

"Torment is not my business--I left that business behind me years before you were born." Okay, that was not completely truthful; the change had occurred during the boy's lifetime. "I thought maybe you'd need to talk."

Note that Shaehern said need, and not want. There was an entire world of difference between the two.

"And maybe that I need to talk too." Zalamel had left him alone again this evening. Sometimes he despised when that featherbrain would leave without so much as a caw as to when he'd be back or where he was going. Couldn't ever trust a corpse-muncher.

"First and foremost, I'm not claiming any responsibility for your disappearance, but, for what it's worth, I am sorry for what damage I have caused you over the years."

[Kristopher Roberts]

"Let's not play games today, Azhrarn. You know as good as I that torment is as part as your being as sickness is to me." Slowly, the blond looked up, meeting Shaehern's eyes, for the first time Kristopher's mismatched eyes hid no secrets, no false illusions or lies. There was nothing more then the bare soul of a crushed human. There was no mask upon his face, no smiles plastered upon his normally soft and gentle face. The only thing there, was Kristopher.

His hands came to rest limply on his legs as he remained leaning forward, facing his demon. "I have nothing to talk about, let's face the facts. You know everything there is about me. I am no fool when it comes to this, even though I play one on a daily basis." His voice held no gentleness and it held no hate, it was merely the voice of a human male that has gone through far to many trials at such a young age.

Shaehern could talk all day for all he cared, the boogie probably had a plenty to talk about and spill secrets. Kristopher was willing to listen, he had no where else to go, no where to be, and no one to see. He was away from the world as he ever could be.

"I never pointed a finger at you, so why bother to apologize for what became of me? This," he gestured towards himself, as if it would suddenly become apparent to the boogie that he was looking at nothing more then a beaten human. "is rather normal for me, a good look I suppose." He grew silent then for a time, none of his words held hate, despise or even rage. They where empty words, "Damage you caused me?" He chuckled then, leaning back into his seat, "and what damage is it that you have caused? Scaring me as a child? Sending your crow to steal my curls? Or maybe you mean the time that you decided to play games with my head? I'm sure there is plenty of things to apologize for, but which is it? The past or the current meaningless life that I lead?"

Kristopher didn't even wait for an answer, "Or do you apologize for the moment you decided to shatter every single mask I wore. Stomp on my false hopes that kept my sanity in place?" He stared at the boogieman then, waiting for an answer.

[Shaehern Azhrarn]

Who was it standing there? Kristopher Roberts--an adult by his species' and his society's standards. And, perhaps, beginning to act like one. Shaehern actually bit his tongue in frustration at the thought. Children were often so passionate about everything, to the point where it might disgust the people around them. Shaehern loved that energy, if not the ways it was usually applied.

"Right," Shaehern said as he just let his own words trail off. The music room felt terribly foreign to the Boogie. He absolutely adored music and let it send shivers across his skin on the occasion, but he had never learned to play an instrument. Arguably, he had never learned how to sing, either. At the very least he did not learn to sing proper Boogie songs. Kristopher was making Shaehern Azhrarn feel old, a marvel in of itself.

"Well, if I must be absolutely frank... you're not the only one who is used to walking around wearing masks." There it was again--that dead tone of voice. Serious. Thoughtful. Well spoken. Not a hint of flavor or color within it. "Though I imagine I intended to apologize for the immediate harm to your own charade, I suppose past ills against you might deserve an apology as well."

He was not sure when his feet had carried him over to the wall, but they did. Shaehern made the best of it and leaned back. He pinched the tip of his finger between his teeth as he considered everything about the boy. "And I'm afraid that you misinterpret me. I don't wish to know more about you. As you have said, there is little left for me in that department. I suppose I was trying to offer you the chance to speak so that you might know yourself." It seemed terribly confusing to say such a thing. After all, who would know Kristopher Roberts better than Kristopher Roberts?

Perhaps no one. But perhaps Kristopher had come to not know his own mind over time. Perhaps, for a little while, he had believed what was falsehood to be his reality. A mask worn long enough would become indistinguishable from the face beneath it.

[Kristopher Roberts]

"I rather doubt I would be the only one. Everyone wheres a mask from time to time, but the question is, who lives in a masquerade?" Well, simple enough, Kristopher had lived it for most of his life simply because it kept him going. If he had to face reality everyday, he would of died a long time ago, without the aid of his sickness.

"Though I am very certain we both know that answer, don't we?" An amused chuckle came from him then. "Yes, you did rather put a damper on my views, didn't you? You just had to come along and rip off the layers I've built to keep me slightly normal, didn't you?" He was ignoring the boogie now, his hands coming to rest on his knee, one gripping it tightly. However, he made no action to move from the spot he was currently located.

"To know myself? Now there's an interesting statement, especially seeing as I lost myself the day I turned seven. Back then, I had some knowledge of how to act around the world around me. I knew what to do, what not too, and how to avoid others when I must. I survived then, but something was lost and it remains so. When I thought I had it when I was nineteen or so, it was stolen from me by a boogie. I am sure you recall Honest. I must say, my mind hasn't been the same sense."

An amused expression touched him then, "So, if we are playing the game over which is the real Kristopher Roberts, then I believe you are either seeing him or what is left of him. Because, as much as you do know about my life, you have very little idea what I've gone through."

The blond sighed then, staring still at those violet eyes of Shae's. "Tell me, Shaehern, do you have any idea what it's like to be loved and then find out it merely wasn't enough? To know that the one person you really care about, can't stand to look at you because all they feel is guilt. Do you have any idea how hard I worked to make sure he never felt that? How many damn faces I went through for everyone? Even for myself?"

"Somehow, I doubt you do. In these terms, I can be just as bad as one of you. Changing my own face, every day for the good of others and then losing my own, if I even had it to begin with. Is that what you want to hear from me? Or do you wish to find me limp like a puppet without strings, much like how you left me in the showers. Leaving me to face a reality I knew all too well and in return I let my own jealousy kick in the moment I saw that red head?"

[Shaehern Azhrarn]

Shaehern lived in a masquerade. Every single day of his life he'd wake up and play dress-up for the rest of the world. Stunning and brilliant. Those who had come to know him expected some brilliant performance every day. He had been doing it since he was a child, but the nature of his performances had changed. Azhrarns were liars at heart. Actors. Politicians. Pathological prevaricators. Whatever the hell you wanted to call them.

In my eyes. Indisposed. In disguises no one knows.

It was a game. Everyone was playing it, even if they were not aware of the nature of their role. The game was called society, and they were conditioned for it since birth. It was the most powerful tool of sapient creatures--an invention shaped by sapience that, in turn, shaped sapience.

As Kristopher spoke what was on his mind, Shaehern nodded quietly. He was listening, though more out of respect rather than any consideration that he might want to take part in the conversation. Sometimes it helped to get what was on the mind out in the open. There was a hard separation in Kristopher's mind between the two of them. Shaehern was not inclined to agree or disagree, up until he said something that made him choke. Choke on what? His own saliva, perhaps, but now Shaehern felt himself coughing rather loudly.

"Don't I know? Don't I know what it feels like? You'd like it if I didn't, wouldn't you? It would just be one more way for you to justify me as a monster. Do I know what you went through? Can I even begin to understand? Well, let's take a stab at it, shall we?" There was something different in Shaehern's voice. Life. He was no longer leaning against the wall or biting the tip of his finger. A fire blazed in his violet eyes for a moment as he accessed the full power of his memory.

"What kind of family is the Roberts? Kyle, Kristopher and Sarah are three siblings from the same family. All brought to Wonderland. A favored family like that already suggests some pretty horrific torment. A sick boy like you? You probably always were sick. Unless you come from a privileged family that would not have won you any points with your mother and father. You don't strike me as a privileged family." Gauging from the healthy ones, Roberts looked like they were built on hard work and rough living.

"Brother and sister keep ties so close that it's incestuous. In comparison, the sickly brother is light-years distant. A schism, perhaps? Something to drive a wedge between the family. I could assume the kidnapping did that, but I would have figured a reunion of any kind would be happy if that were the case. No, something else did it. Do you want me to keep on guessing?" Shaehern knew enough that he could probably take a stab at the numerous issues the boy had dealt with as a child.

"Before you go telling me that you don't think I'm capable of understanding what you've gone through, you should think. Your Mistress and I are childhood friends. We've known each other for a long, long time. We don't much act like friends though, do we? We barely feel like lukewarm acquaintances most days. Perhaps you might chew on that for a while and see what you come up with."

[Kristopher Roberts]

SLowly, the blond raises a single delicate brow, "Would I like it? Perhaps. Would I truly care, no. I've lived here long enough to know that a boogie can have feelings for others and experience things much like a human, but most do not."

"A good example of the monsters would be Anolean, Kazn, Sin, and Iugo. You, on the other hand are your own little special ball game. Where there is only you and the pitcher that is never known. We see you at the bat, but we can't see where the ball is coming from right off, but you always manage it hit a home run. It's what you do. Sometimes, you are far more human then any other monster here, while on the other hand, you can be the worst. It depends on the day really and what you feel like."

The blond child listened, his eyes never leaving Shae and unlike the boogie, his experisson never changed. He never turned towards rage or depression, he merely sat there, listening and accepting.

"Of course you know of my trials, you where apart of the game that runs my life. Don't think I never noticed. I am well mannered slave, but I also am rather bright beyond popular belief."

He huffed lightly then, "Yes, my family. A lovely bunch aren't they? I lost favor with my parents the moment I came out of my mother, I was never given a single word of affection other then when it came to her drug usage. It is why I am sick, we all know I am a drug baby from a poor family."

His mismatched eyes finally looked away, but not in defeat but in thought. "My brother abandoned me when my sister was born. Why guard the one that will die soon? There wasn't a point in it. I was useless to my brother, I couldn't give what he waned and I couldn't do as he could. I was left for dead, it was best to pick the stronger child, even if she was raised to be a no good brat. Mother did prefer her over us boys."

His eyes slowly returned to the boogie in front of him. "Your guess are well on the mark, however my disappearance did nothing but ease my brother in his work of being "The Protector". I know where I stand with my siblings and it isn't my place to be with them."

"It's my place to be with Naelona Ezel, the one person who never abandoned me. Certainly, I have my faults and my moments of disobeying, but she always comes back to me. Never once has she tossed me to the side and replaced me with another. Never once has she disregarded my presence or done hateful things to me just because she could do it. I don't belong with my kind, I am far more a boogie then human. I even own a piece of one, how are those apples, Shaehern?"

A small meaningless smile touched his face then, "Don't you wish you didn't fall out of that bet? I would of been of such use to you, if anything, for the money. But let's not kid around about you and my Madam. You two merely act like lost siblings. You adore each other heavily one moment, and tire of them the next only to be thrilled to see each other a week later. She tolerates you as you do her, if anything for the shear entertainment of it."

[Shaehern Azhrarn]

The world got so quiet sometimes. Everything seemed so slow when his mind did not have things to occupy it. He would find things to get paranoid about and would read far more deeply into words than was strictly healthy for his emotional health. When had he started developing those human traits that Kristopher noted in his personality? Most certainly he had not had then when he was a mere two-hundred years old. Back then, the world was all logic and lies.

The emotions had started as a clever deception. He was a terrible, terrible monster capable of horrifying things. He dragged children away with ruthless efficiency, and it set him up for a nonchalant personality with their lives as he matured more and more and came to own his own slaves. Shaehern was not so certain when it started, but it was there now. He was human, and Kristopher was not completely without observational talent.

Humans felt powerful waves of emotion. Shaehern felt his head spinning as he tried to pin everything that was washing over him at once. Yes. The boy belonged with Naelona Ezel--the one person who had never let him down, even at terrible personal cost to her own well-being. The woman feigned maturity nearly as well as Shaehern feigned immaturity. It was a child clinging to her favorite toy, and nothing more. And yet, why did it bother him so much when the toy said it? Was there jealousy? Jealousy that the boy was a better Boogie than he was?

"Oh, what a tangled web, Zarek," he mumbled aloud as his fingers grasped tightly against his own hair. There was an overwhelming desire to just rip it out, or cut it off, or... something. It all felt so heavy all of a sudden. Even his loose-fitting clothes felt too constricting.

"I'm so glad you remember I was part of that bet. I was the first one out of it, you recall? Shaehern Azhrarn... anything for the amusement of his fellows, after all." The butt monkey of jokes in his youth, and the object of ridicule as an adult. It was a role he played so well, was it not? "There really was no intention of winning, that's not the point of a bet." But then, what was the point of a bet? Perhaps he gambled to prove that he was not in it for the money, but that seemed to convoluted, even for him.

"Your observations are not too bad, but I'm afraid you're off on your aim on one point; I am not a long-lost sibling. Shaehern Azhrarn is a tolerated annoyance, and nothing more." Naelona would find reasons to complain of his behavior even if Shaehern acted like a model Boogie.

[Kristopher Roberts]

"You're jealous." Kristopher voiced Shaeherns thoughts as soon as that boogie hand went through his hair. "Very jealous, but of what I wonder. Is it because I appear more monstrous then you do at this point in time? Or is it because I get far more attention then you do? Doesn't just kill you, that you can't understand Naelona and me?"

The human leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "Is it the fact that she sees me as a favorite play thing, cause I will do anything for her just like I would do Augusta? Or is it something much more, something far more unhealthy for the two of us? Of course, there is the off chance you might actually care for my Madam, though I wouldn't allow it. Because she is mine. I also happen to be a jealous person. So jealous in fact that I happen to get under peoples skins then. I did get under Aione's...to the point of hate. Such strong hate that it lead to my death almost and her world being torn apart."

Scratching the side of his neck, he looked away again, this time he looked a bit distant as if recalling some random memory. "Or maybe its because you can't have, Zarek."

A pause then as the blond finally let out a tired sigh. "Then what is the point of you taking part in my life, Shaehern? Why do you care so much to come find me and shake my world? Why make me see the things I don't want too? I am honestly, and truly curious to why you bother with me." An honest question with the first bit of meaning in his voice. A sense of hopelessness and lose. "Why does anyone really?"

And then, it was gone as he pondered on the next part, "You are off on you own marks as well. You are tolerated yes, but not annoying. You have the makings of a grand boogie, but you do not act on them and thus, Naelona does not see you as a model boogie as much as she would like. She tries hard to help you fit in with others and be more like the rest of them. But you can't be can you? You like having feelings and emotions, just like I do. It makes you feel alive even when you fell as dead a fly caught in a web."

[Shaehern Azhrarn]

Jealousy, was it? Jealousy would imply that it was something that Shaehern felt like he deserved. It would extend beyond mere envy. The natures of those two words were terribly close and went unconsidered. Regardless, it seemed like Kristopher had marked the emotion correctly, but was missing the motivation behind it.

"You're stabbing in the dark and grasping at straws, boy. If you're going to be wrong, you might as well just pick one." It was a trick Shaehern had learned a long time ago from his parents in regards to sounding like you knew something. Kristopher had no idea what kind of person Shae was, or what type of nest he was poking into.

"Believe this: if you ever stirred up the hatred under my skin you would not have the opportunity to regret the action. I am nothing like that redhead, in that regard." Perhaps he was similar to her in another regard, but it was one he could not personally see, even through introspection. He supposed that he had never bothered to try and make a comparison. Aione Higurashi had seemed unimportant up until recently.

Shaehern's hands finally came loose from his hair. In his fists were long strands pulled from his head. He released them and watched them fall slowly to the floor. The boy was under his skin, but he was not stirring up anger. No. This feeling was something quite different. It turned his stomach into a knot and made him wish to be sick.

"I cannot be like the rest of them, but it is not because of my emotions." Shaehern chose to skip the other matter for a moment longer. It was weird, justifying and defending himself and his motivations against one that was barely an adult. "It is because I have no desire to fit in with them. I grew up playing their games and saw no future in it for me. I tossed aside everything they wanted me to become simply because it was what they wished for me. What makes me different is choice, and nothing more than that." Shaehern seemed more calm now. Kristopher was still under his skin. The boy was still terribly close to something Shaehern would rather not admit.

"You've already received more than I give anyone without charging them an arm and a leg, but I'll give you one more little fact. I have involved myself in your life not because I find you attractive, not because you're fun to torment, and not because you're a secret I need to unravel. I keep butting in because I've been trying to help you."

[Kristopher Roberts]

"Yet, I find a fist full of strings to pull. Interesting how that works, doesn't?" The blond sighed deeply then suddenly very tired. Leaning back into his chair, he fell over on his side and rested there. Staring at Shaehern for a long while before closing his eyes.

All he did was listen to the boogie, he made no further attempt to dig at the other, there was no longer a point in which to do so. "Sucks when someone gets under the skin, doesn't? That, Shaehern, is what I have been feeling when someone decides to do the same thing to me." Turning his head, his blond curls covered his eyes and he just laid there without anymore will to move, but his mouth kept going.

"Choices. That is something you have that I do not, my choices have always been very limited. Only was I allowed to have such a gift just last year for the first time and it seems, I can not make the right one. I'm neither human nor am I a boogieman. It's not that I am complaining...I am merely so very confused right now."

A sigh escaped his lips, "I apologize for what I have just done, it was a shallow attempt to show you how I have felt but merely abused it."

Now it was Kristopher's turn to put a hand to his hair and hold his own locks dangerously tight, "You've been trying to help me, now the question is, will you still even though there isn't much of me left to help? You know my life, my choices I've made and what I have currently been through and now you have seen what all these actions have done to me, what is there that could assist me to return to the way I was or rather...merely cope."

[Shaehern Azhrarn]

That boy was so smug with the way he spoke about being under Shaehern's skin. It was a nauseating sensation, but one worth experiencing at least once. It gave him something more to relate to in the human condition. Originally, he had started trying to relate to humans as a way to better torment them. Instead, it just filled him with weaknesses.

Now there were tiny flaws in his psyche for someone without even considerable talent to break into, just so long as they found the openings. It was rather miserable. Kristopher Roberts, a broken-minded individual had actually bothered Shaehern.

He had tried to help Kristopher. Why was it? Originally, to make it all the sweeter when he finally broke the boy, but he had been quick to discover that the boy was already broken. Perhaps he thought the boy could be fixed up enough for a satisfying shattering. However, as time progressed his motives changed. Now there was no desire to break the boy.

He had simply wanted to see the boy fortified against the world. A sick realization swelled over him and he actually wanted to gag at the thought. It made... far too much sense all of a sudden. "I think... I finally understand." It was a thought spoken aloud more than a response to Kristopher.

Shaehern brought himself back up to his full height. He had been slouching. Had Kristopher not been sitting, then he might have felt all the smaller in comparison to the blond. "Now that there is nothing left to stand by... now that you've shown that you're capable of lashing out against me... now that you know that I don't mean you any ill... I need some time to decide."

Time to decide whether or not the boy was worth the continued effort now that he had bitten. That must have been familiar.

[Kristopher Roberts]

"What is there to decide, Shaehern?" The boys voice had suddenly lost its emptiness and now became hard with grief and uncertainty. "You can either abandon me like so many, or you can stay by my side and achieve whatever goal it is you seek. Though, I have no idea what your goals are, now its just the matter if I am worth the time and effort, isn't?"

His hand dragged away from his thick curls to rest against his pale face. "Tell me, am I going insane, Shae? Ever sense Vasant had came into being, my life was flipped and now I don't know how to climb out of the pit I have fallen into. Yet oddly enough, its a comfortable pit. I wonder, if this land finally has effected me...I know humans aren't supposed to live as long as I have and it might be for this reason. We go insane."

He chuckled dryly, pushing himself up into a sitting position with trouble. Though as he moved, his crutch had fallen past his reach. "Will you help me to stand, before you go. It's hard for me to do it on my own with the way I am..." Shame and embarrassment for his weakness shown on his face for a brief moment then.

"Also, may I walk with you as you debate my fate? I have been lonely as of late. My twin has become busy...with his own matters."

[Shaehern Azhrarn]

Kristopher obviously did not understand the nature of such decisions. Either that, or Shaehern failed to understand how easy the decision he was making was supposed to be. Taking a step back from the entire situation the decision wouldn't be so hard at all: there was nothing to gain and much to lose. He could just leave the boy here in the room.

Everything logical told Shaehern that he should. So why was the decision so difficult? It was difficult, because the answer was equally easy to reach should he apply emotion to the same puzzle. He had two different choices reached in two different ways with equal ease. In such a scenario, Shaehern was stuck. Externally, he pretended to be a being of emotional attachments, and inside he was cold, harsh and calculated.

Merit had to go to the side that thought with cold precision. Shaehern knew it to be true even as he moved towards the blond and grasped the boy's hand. "I cannot leave you be until you can stand on your own." There was something peculiar to the way that Shaehern said it. I was almost like it had been Naelona who had said it, except it was not the type of thing most people would have expected out of Naelona's mouth.

"You may follow me for a while, but I make no promises to be interesting conversation on the journey. I suspect we shall part ways soon enough as it is." Shaehern looked to the door as if he was expecting someone or something to walk through it. Gentle footfalls carried him silently through the frame and back into the hallway.